Had a weird dream. Me and Mike were in a cafe and start getting intimidated by this man who asks if he can sit with us. Then the last line (in the dream anyway) was a punchline that everybody laughed at. But it only really worked in the dream. I’ve remembered it the best I could and written it out for you:

A man and woman come in with small child. The man looks quite aggressive.
Man: “D’you mind if we sit with you?”
M: “Um… No, go ahead.”
Man: “Ta.”
The man orders 2 teas for him and his wife

B: “So what you having?”
M: “Not sure.”
They look at the menu
Man: “C’mon, what you f*ckin having?!”
M: “Uh… I think I’ll have porridge.”
Man: “Porridge?! For dinner?!”
M: “Well I always have porridge and I haven’t had any today.”
Man: “And what you having shorty?”
B: “Um… Sausage roll.”
Man: “That it?”
B: “Yeah.”
M: “So what are you having?”
Man: “Alright! Give us a f*ckin minute will ya, we’ve just sat down!”

The man is talking about his child and then he says to Mike
Man: “You’d better hurry up with yours.”
M: “I’m sorry?”
Man: (indicating Ben) “He’s almost the same size as you.”
B: “No, I’m his friend.”
Man: “I know that tosspot! This tea’s f*ckin cold.”

We were very intimidated by this man

Man: “So you buying ours then yeah?”
M: “Um… Okay.”
B: “What? No!”
Man: “Calm down shorty, I’m only joking. It’s all cheap sh*t in here anyway.”

A policeman walks by as the woman is getting angry

P: “What seems to be the problem madam?”
W: “The f*ckin cup’s dirty innit. They’ve just took it off the shelf without washing it.”
P: “Oh dear, let me just write that down. (Writes out a note, reading as he writes) Cup… Is… Dirty… Woman… Believes… It’s off… A shelf.”
Takes note and puts it on the table
P: “Any more rubbish I can write down for you?”
B: (indicating the rude man) “Ask him he’s got hundreds!”