Kevin’s Condition

Kevin was a man of simple pleasures. He liked his ovens hot and his fridges cold. If the television and toilet were both working, he could happily spend his day at home alone. Kevin was also not afraid to show his sentimental side, which often led to overbearing urges to cry at small dogs.

One day, whilst walking down a particularly long stretch of road, Kevin noticed a woman strolling towards him, accompanied by a small poodle. He knew what was about to happen. What always happened. He looked up at the sky and tried to forget the poodle. He whispered a series of facts about Japan to himself in order to take his mind of the dog, but when he got to the word noodle it instantly reminded him of the word poodle. At this point, the woman and dog were mere yards from Kevin. He knew it was no good. His eyes knew it too as they started to shed teardrop after teardrop. The woman looked concerned. The dog looked fascinated. They both stopped and the woman put a hand – her own – on Kevin’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” the woman said, “But are you alright? You appear to be leaking.”
“Yes, I’m fine.” Kevin said, “I always cry when I see small dogs.”
The woman looked slightly confused, but also quite aroused. “Oh you adorable little man.” she said.
Kevin smiled an embarrassed smile.
“Would you like to stroke it?” asked the woman.
“Are we still talking about the dog?” He asked, just to be sure.
“Yes.” She replied in a bemused accent.
“Then I would love nothing more.” he said, as he bent down and gently stroked the poodle. The dog was happy with the arrangement and gazed at Kevin with admiration.

Whilst Kevin fussed the dog, the woman introduced herself as ‘Melanie but people called me Mel’. Kevin wasn’t interested whether she was called Melanie, Mel or Boris. All he was interested in was the poodle. That was how it always was. The women found themselves attracted to Kevin, but he never took any notice. Little did he know that he had missed out on 12 weddings, 7 engagements and 1 potential gender re-assignment. Still, while there were dogs in the world, he was happy.

After several minutes of Kevin fussing the dog and the Melanie being ignored, she told him that they really had to go now because they were on their way to a party. Kevin asked if he could join them, but Melanie, who was now becoming less smitten by Kevin and more frightened by him, said that it was invitation only and nobody from the party knew how to spell Kevin. Before he could question her, Melanie and her little poodle ran off down the road.

Kevin stood and contemplated what had just happened. He knew why they’d ran. He knew why she’d made up a ridiculous excuse for not inviting him to the party. It was obvious: the woman was an alien. It was the only plausible explanation he could think of, and in a way he felt sorry for them. He continued on his journey to the shop. He did not see any more dogs that day, but he knew that tomorrow almost certainly promised more dogs. He packed four boxes of tissues into his bag and picked up the leaflet. He smiled. Tomorrow was going to be an emotional day. Tomorrow he was going to Crufts.

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