The dream started in school during a Geography lesson. We were tasked with giving a presentation on a country. I was given Syria and partnered with (comedian) Sean Lock. While I tried to do a serious presentation, he just replaced everything with animated GIFs. Within the presentation, we also had to write a poem and use a knife to demonstrate something.

After the presentation, I went out into the hall and met up with a few friends. What they didn’t know was that I was from the future. I met a younger version of myself, who I called Jeff. One of my friends, Josh, came and ‘sandpapered’ young me on the nose, which was apparently a craze at that time.​ When the bell rang for lessons, they went off and I made an excuse why I wasn’t going to lesson.

I went and met up with Goodwin, who was reading a book at the time. A girl came up to us and asked me, ‘Is it true your daughter married her cousin?’
I told her it was and said, ‘You’re just jealous.’
She said, ‘I didn’t realise she’d been hanging around with the prey.’
And I quipped, ‘Well she does work in a bird sanctuary.’

After this frankly quite bemusing conversation, I carried on and met up with Dara O’Briain. I asked him about Robot Wars – which he is the new host of in real life – and he said he had always been a big fan of the show.

When we finished talking, I went home. Mother told me that Zeta had asked if we could get another dog to keep her company. I liked the idea, but knew we couldn’t afford it, so I planned to steal statues – including Nelson’s Column in London – which I could sell to pay for it.