Had quite a fun dream last night.

It started off I was with my family and we were on holiday somewhere. We went for a walk down by the canal and then we went to meet some ‘instructors’ at Unit 00. I’m not sure what they were going to be teaching us, but we eventually found Unit 00, which was just a park area. All the houses on that road were named Unit 01, Unit 02, etc. The instructors were at the bottom of a very steep hill, so rather than risk falling down it, mother and I sat down and shuffled down it. Half way down I stopped because I saw my nan and grandad sitting on the hill, so I went and said hello to them. After the lesson (no idea what it was) we went back to the hotel and were debating what to do next. Somebody suggested a walk by the canal. I pointed out that we’d already done this and to get there was quite tricky – we had to go through a tunnel that had a really tight entrance. Despite my objections, we went for a walk by the canal anyway.

A while later I went off on my own to meet Goodwin. We met up in the town centre and went to get a drink. On the way we saw Goodwin’s friend Kristian, but he couldn’t join us because he was off somewhere. We got to the bar and Goodwin went to order the drinks while I got a table. Whilst I was looking round for a table, a girl held out a drink (to her friend, but I thought it was for me) and I jokingly said “Oh that’s very kind of you.” and she looked confused.

I sat down and Goodwin joined me with the rinks. I said I was hungry and wish I’d have brought the leftover pizza with me. Goodwin then started asking questions like “how long does pizza last?” and “why do you keep your pizza on the floor?” to which I explained that it lasts forever and keeping it on the floor was easier.

After a while, two girls joined us. By this time, I was eating a sausage sandwich and worrying about spilling the ketchup on me in front of the girls. They were watching us, and eventually one of them said ‘Aww, Ben’s just sitting there… with his beard.’ I didn’t have a beard, I’d just forgotten to shave so I had a load of stubble, so I said ‘Not intentionally.’

Apparently the girl knew me from a Muppet parody I’d done. ‘He did a short parody and it just cracked me up.’ she said. Goodwin then tried to sing another of my parodies, but completely messed it up. ‘When I’m wearing sandwiches I’m working on a farm… When you see me I’m always wearing leather.’ The girl didn’t have a clue what he was on about and I was pissing myself laughing at Goodwin’s failed attempt.

The parody was in fact one I started writing in real life called Acting Like A Puff, a parody of Just Can’t Get Enough by Depeche Mode. I’ve never recorded it because I’m not particularly proud of it and I worry it’s probably a bit offensive. In the dream I sang some of it, so here’s the lyrics:

When I’ve got a handbag, hanging on my arm. I’m acting like a puff, I’m acting like a puff.
When I’m in my dungarees and working on a farm. I’m acting like a puff, I’m acting like a puff.
I’m wearing leather but it’s okay, cos I’m acting like a puff because I’m…
[instrumental solo]

When you see me, I’ve always got a smile. I’m acting like a puff, I’m acting like a puff.
I may be camp, but baby I’ve got style. I’m acting like a puff, I’m acting like a puff.
Some people stare and some people look away, but I’m acting like a puff because I’m…
[instrumental solo]

After this, we left the bar and went to a pier, where Lee Mack happened to be sunbathing. I recognised him and lay down near him. Then Tim Vine came along, which Lee looked a bit annoyed about. Tim was explaining to his wife that his jokes aren’t working because the punchlines are good but the feed lines don’t work. Lee looked worried that Tim was going to tell a joke, and indeed he did. Tim said to his wife ‘The punchline is “so he’d have a hat”, now come up with a punchline.’ The best she could come up with was ‘Why did the man put a sandwich on his head?’ Lee told Tim the joke was terrible and Tim smiled and said ‘I know! Isn’t it great!’

I went back to the hotel and mother was there. She’d been shopping while I was gone and bought a Christmas present for my cousin. Much to my joy, the present turned out to be a ukulele. It was on the floor in the centre of the room in a bright blue case. I asked if I could try it, but mother didn’t hear me. I decided to try it anyway, but when I opened the case, there was a banjolele on top of the ukulele. Mother had bought it me as my Christmas present. That’s how I knew it was a dream, because mother reckons I already have too many ukuleles. So it was at that point that I woke up.