Tonight Matthew, I’m going to be…

For the main part I was at school, though I think I was just visiting. But while I was there, a man dressed in white fell out of the sky and landed in the school fountain. The headmaster took him out and into a room. The head then came out and asked for Spiderman to go into the room. When Spiderman didn’t show, he called me in. I was apparently Spiderman. He showed me a document I’d signed granting me a share of the school. It was an odd signature that was basically the word Ben in a box.

The headmaster then informed me – and a few teachers – that the man who fell from space was a messenger, informing us that we had to pay £750 or they would take over the school. Since I had a share in the school, I had to help. I said “That doesn’t seem like a lot. Surely we can afford that… Actually, this is Erdington, of course we can’t.”

So then he called in two of the best students – which turned out to be Brian Hogan and Dennis Wheelan (two old school friends) – to brainstorm ideas for raising the money. Brian was somewhat of an expert on this subject and said that coffee mornings were the most profitable venture. Before we left, I checked the message and realised it said we had to pay by April 2015. So we had a year. A year to raise £750. We went back to my house and paced up and down the garden. “Fancy dress day.” I suggested, “Everyone loves those.” Secretly I just wanted to dress up.

So we decided to put on a show to raise the money. On the night I got a taxi to the school, which I shared with Jamie Goodwin who was going to be doing his Austin Powers impression. “I’ve always wanted to do this,” he told me, “And now they’ve finally let me!” When we got to the school, a few students helped me, the main act, get into costume. As it turns out, I was doing my ‘world famous’ Tom Jones impersonation, wearing a green waistcoat, a grey wig and a grey beard. So, I go on stage with my two backing singers. Dennis Wheelan had pulled out, but luckily Mike turned up and substituted for him. So then, with me as Tom Jones, Mike as Eric Morecambe and Brian Hogan as Ernie Wise, we performed this exact routine:

It was quite weird, cos my dreams don’t usually have musical numbers, but we did the whole thing and it went very well and it was very funny. At the end it cut to the audience, which was made up of one person. Jamie Goodwin in full costume as Austin Powers. He shouted “Yeah baby! That was groovy!” in a really bad impression.

Then the aliens came and we gave them the £750 as well as ‘a little extra’ to make sure he never came back. And that was it.

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