The following is a true account of something that is true and actually happened. Unlike all those other times when I said it was a true story, this is actually a true story.

I was in the toilet and I went inside a cubicle because I needed to sit down and people look at you funny when you sit on urinals. I didn’t just go in there to sit down, I had to… relieve myself. Have a poo in other words. I like going in the cubicles because it’s like being in an outhouse in the middle of a field. At least that’s what I tell myself when I hear mooing. Anyway, I was in the toilet, sitting down, thinking about why there was ‘call the police?’ written on the door in red marker. Maybe it’s part of a code, I thought, where a cleaner writes a message and the other cleaner cleans it off and replies. If so, what was the previous message? Maybe it was “Some git keeps writing on the door.” Either that or they were trying to remember the catchphrase from Ghostbusters. Maybe that was a question in a pub quiz, what was the catchphrase from Ghostbusters, and they said “I’m just going to the toilet… again.”

But while all this was going on in my mind, someone entered the toilet. I was quite surprised then, when I heard a woman’s voice. I panicked. This was my thought process:

“Who’s that? It’s a woman! What’s she doing in here? Or am I in the wrong toilet? Did I go into the ladies? No, I can’t have, the ladies is on the third floor and I’m on the second… or am I? I’m sure I saw urinals when I came in, so it must be the mens. Then again, I’ve never been in a ladies toilet, so for all I know they may very well have urinals. What if I go out there and there’s a woman sitting in a urinal?! I can’t go out there. I’ll have to stay in here. But if she’s a woman she’ll want to use the cubicle and this is the only one. So I can’t leave without her seeing me. I could climb out the window! There isn’t a window in here. Why isn’t there a window? I guess it’s so that people can’t look in and spy on you on the loo. So how can I get out? I could divert her attention. Throw something over and then run out. I won’t be able to wash my hands. Could I really sacrifice my hygiene in favour of embarrassment? I’ll have to, I’ve been in here for ages now making no noise. Right, I’m going out. Hold on, I forgot to flush! *flushes toilet* damn, that’s drawn attention to myself. Okay, just leave. Go go go!”

At that point I opened the door and moved swiftly out. It was then that I saw that the woman who had caused me to worry was in fact the cleaner. She saw me wash my hands and then I left. As I left, I noticed another woman outside with a vacuum cleaner (it wasn’t a Henry I’m afraid) who started shouting. I thought she was having a go at me, but it turns out she was talking to the cleaner who was in the toilet. She was probably saying “Maureen! What are you doing in the men’s toilets?! Get out of there you fool!” I think the ladies toilets are directly above the men’s toilets on the floor above, so maybe there was a wormhole and they fell through the floor. Or it could be their first day and some practical joker misdirected them.

But this led me to thinking, surely they should have male cleaners for male toilets and female cleaners for female toilets, no? I mean if it was a man cleaning the women’s toilets they’d be up in arms about it, calling him a pervert and accusing him of heaven knows what. Thankfully the female cleaners in today’s escapade weren’t that attractive (sorry ladies). In fact I don’t think I’ve ever seen a really good looking cleaner. They should have good looking cleaners. I think they should just hire robots to clean toilets. Or have self-cleaning toilets.