Filbert’s Cat

It was a cold winters morning when Filbert Pennyfeather woke up on 15th August. As he looked around he noticed that everything was as it seemed and nothing looked to be out of place. “Why does nothing interesting ever happen to me?” he asked nobody as he fell out of the window and into the flower bed.

He got up and went into the kitchen, where he poured some milk into the cat’s bowl and drank it. He warmed up some porridge but it was too hot so he put it in the freezer to cool down. Meanwhile he put the cat out and locked the door. “That’ll teach him to drink my milk.” he thought with a slight sense of evil about him.

After taking his porridge out of the freezer he put it in the microwave to heat it up. As it was heating, he went into the living room and turned the television on. He was not surprised to see This Morning was on, as since he had hidden the remote he could no longer change the channel and so was stuck watching ITV, a fate no man should befall. “Why are they just sitting there talking?” He thought as he drew moustaches on the faces of the talk show hosts with a felt tip pen.

After being kicked out of the ITV studios for drawing on talk show hosts with felt tip pens, he went back home and found his porridge sizzling in the microwave. He took it out and put it in a bath full of cold water to cool it down. Since he had run the bath he decided to get in it and have a quick wash. “Where’s my rubber duck?” He questioned himself before a duck with erasers sellotaped to it waddled in.

When he got out he checked his porridge, which was now back to being frozen. In a momentary lapse of sanity, he through the bowl and it’s contents out of the window and shouted “Bloody porridge! Why can’t you be more like the coco pops?!”

After apologising to the neighbour who now sported a fresh bruise on his forehead after being hit with a bowl of porridge, Filbert went to a cafe in search of porridge. On the way he saw a cat that looked remarkably like his own, only this one was a 2D cartoon on a television screen. “I should buy one of those.” he thought, unsure himself whether he meant the cat or the TV.

When Filbert got to the cafe he ordered a bowl of porridge and the girl behind the counter asked him to return the till he had put under his jumper. He promptly did so and sat down to wait for his breakfast. Whilst waiting he noticed a man on another table pick his nose and then wipe it on his shirt. After trying not to react to this unhygenic spectacle, he asked the man “Would mind not picking my nose and wiping it on your shirt please, it’s rather embarrassing.” To which the man apologised and complied.

After a short while, the waitress came over to Filbert and said “I’m sorry for the delay, but the chef’s just waiting for your porridge to thaw.”

“That’s alright.” he replied, “I’ll wait.” And he did, until seven years later he was asked to move out of the seat because the cafe was being demolished.

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