Straight From the Breast

Starbucks. A nice place to go for something hot over the counter. I went to Starbucks today with my friend (Goodwin) and we were served by someone quite weird. And coming from me, that’s pretty dangerous. Here’s how it went:

We walked in and went up to the counter, where a girl called Jesse was serving. She took Goodwin’s order and her female colleague made the drink. When I went up to the counter, she stared at me and said “Have you just been to a wedding?” I looked around, quite confused, but soon realised she meant me, perhaps because I was wearing a waistcoat. I said I hadn’t and she was instant that I looked like I’d just come from a wedding and looked very smart. I wish I’d have used the Eric Morecambe joke – “He looks like he’s fallen off a wedding cake.” – but I didn’t. She then started asking me questions, like what my name was and how old I was. I’d never been interrogated by a barista before, so it was a bit unnerving. I told her was 21 and she said “Aww, he’s a baby.” although her colleague pointed out that I was in fact older than her. Don’t know how that worked out.

So, after admiring my attire and me handing her a ham & cheese toastie which I wished to buy, she then asked me what I wanted to drink. I knew what I was about to ask for would instigate a funny remark, but I didn’t expect what happened. I asked for a glass of milk. Her female colleague whispered something to her and Jesse said “My colleague wants to know if you want her breast milk?” I mean what do you say to that?! I just laughed and said “No, whole milk will be fine thanks.” But this girl insisted on making a joke of it, and asked her male colleague if they had any spare breast milk, to which he nonchalantly replied “Probably.” She then made several more jokes about it being breast milk, embarrassing both her friend and myself.

The girl, Jesse, then asked if I thought she was weird. I didn’t think she was, I thought the whole thing was funny and it was nice to have a bit of fun at work, so I told her I didn’t. This was a good answer, as she said “Y’know what, I like you so much I’m not going to charge you for the milk.” So that saved me £1.05. And they say flattery gets you nowhere. She gave me my milk and said “There you go, straight from the breast.” So we went and sat down and Goodwin and I had a good laugh about it.

After a while she called out that the toastie was done. “Cheese toastie for our new friend.” I don’t know where the ham had gone, but I went up and got it. But she wouldn’t let me have it just yet. She said “So are we best friends now?” and I said “Oh yeah, of course.” Went to take my toastie, she moved it and she said “Sure?” so I said “Yes.” and after a while of this back and forth she eventually gave me the toastie. A while later, while we were still drinking, she left the establishment. Probably she was fired for scaring customers, I don’t know.

It was quite a fun experience really. It was quite surreal, but at the same time it was nice to have a laugh. It’s better than the normal people who just take your order, make your drink and there you go. The milk was a bit off though.