The Extra Large Sample Book

The dream started off at my brother’s house. We had some pizza and then we left to go to town. He didn’t know the way so I had to direct. When we got to the car I realised I’d left my phone in the house inside my coat pocket, so I went back in and got it.

When we got to town, we went to Waterstones. While we were in there, Lee (that’s my brother) was looking at the lingerie section (Waterstones apparently sold clothes in my dream) and I was wandering around waiting for him. In the end he didn’t like any of them, so I bought some ladies underwear instead.

Once we’d paid, we had a wander round the shop and I saw some copies of my book, Four Eyes, on a table. A guy asked me if I was going to buy it and I said I wasn’t because I’d written it.

I then went to a caravan where I found my colleague, Mak. It was a big caravan, with a glass wall on one side. Mak told me that he’d signed us both up to a lookalike agency and that a woman was coming to finalise a few details with us. The woman promptly arrived and complimented my waistcoat. She was quite scantily dressed, which was a bit odd for a businesswoman. She signed us up to a contract that gave us £10,000 a year for 10 years. She then asked who we thought we looked like. I thought it was a bit odd to ask this question after we’d already signed up, but still. I do a pretty good Randy Newman impression and I play the piano, so I said I’d do that. To prove it, I played I Think It’s Going To Rain Today using a loaf of bread as a piano.

While they were debating who Mak looked like, I went for a walk. When I returned, Mak and the woman were gone but my family was there. Grandad was talking about George Formby and showing some old photos. There was also a massive photo album, like the size of a door. Inside it had carpets and even doors for pages. I said to my mother “Would ma-am like to see the extra large sample book.” and she laughed a little.

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