In the words of The Smiths, I haven’t had a dream in a long time. However, last night’s dream certainly made up for this, as they just kept on coming.

It started off I was in France. I was walking down the road and decided to walk with a limp. I sometimes do this in real life for fun. A boy came up to me and asked if I wanted to have a go on his bike. I told him I couldn’t because of my leg. So we went to meet his family instead. His mother was called Amy, his father was called Jessica and he also had a brother, but I don’t know what his name was. I introduced myself to the family. The brother only shook my hand with one finger.

They asked me about my leg and I told them it got damaged in a car accident a few years ago. I stayed at there house for a while, chatting and looking around the house. After a while, I forgot about my pretend limp and stopped limping. They pointed it out and at first I tried to pretend it was cured, but then I told them the truth.

Later we were in big exhibition hall. I noticed an advert for an exhibition I wanted to see that was on the next day – I can’t remember what it was now. The one we were at – in hall 5 – was a family event, including a zoo and theme park rides. I was glad, because that meant the dog show that was happening was in another hall. I don’t know why I was glad about that, but still.

In the next part of the dream, I was inside a war game with Mike. We were told that if anyone said ‘be kind to Germans’ it meant we had to kill them. I forgot the controls and was fiddling about with my gun. Eventually I got it working and killed all the Germans. The last enemy standing was a big woman. I didn’t want to kill her, but she was advancing with anger in her eyes. I shot her, but she didn’t die. She kept coming towards me. She was just about to reach me, when Mike beheaded her with a sword. Thanks Mike.

Later in the dream, Mike and I were going to town on the bus. After a while, the bus broke down and we all got off to get onto another bus. However, Mike decided to just start walking. I jumped on the X8 bus and Mike followed behind walking.

We eventually met up in town and went to the public toilets. I asked Mike if I could borrow some money as I’d forgotten my wallet. He leant me some. I went to wash my hands, but the soap dispenser wasn’t working. There were two girls by the sink (one tall and one short) and one told me you had to press it really hard. I did so and loads of it came gushing out. The tall girl laughed (jokingly, not mockingly). She wished me a happy belated birthday and asked for a kiss. I told her it wasn’t my birthday. I then felt the other girl going through my bag. I span around and pinned her to the wall.

“Let go and I don’t tell reception what you’re doing,” I said. She didn’t let go of my bag, so I counted to three. She let go, but her friend got quite angry. Their family came in and started causing a fuss, so I switched a light on and they cowered at the bright light. They started to panic and ran around. The uncle stole a microwave and ran outside. He chucked the microwave in the street and ran off.

It then cut to a bunch of Minions at home with Gru (from Despicable Me) and they had the microwave inside.

“What a thibgymabob!” one of them said.

“So this is my life now,” said Gru, “surrounded by stinky people.”

A Minion coughed, and he added, “Okay, mostly stinky people.”

The Minions all went to sleep and then the camera zoomed out to reveal they were all on a big rubbish tip on a ship.

The next part of the dream was set in a ‘okey city’ whatever that is. A man drove through a shop and the police arrived to arrest him. I jumped in the car and agreed to help the man and a woman (who was apparently now in the car) escape. On the way we saw another woman being hanged. The driver said, “I don’t know the way.”

So I said, “Just drive and turn.”

We ended up in the city centre, but everywhere was closed. I got out of the car and went to meet up with my mother. I needed a drink, so we went into a Post Office that turned out to be a chemist. After there, we went to the big town hall and my mother went to the toilet. While I was waiting, I saw a bunch of women coming in, so I hid in the women’s shower room. I suddenly realised that one of the women might want to come into the shower room, so I left. On the way out, I saw a woman and we just stared at each other. Eventually, she asked, “What were you doing in there?”

“I was waiting for my mum,” I replied, before adding, “Oh, there she is, hello mum!”

We quickly walked off and mother went into a charity event that was happening at the event. You didn’t need to buy a ticket, but you did have to have your name on the list. Mother tried to find her name on the list, but a woman kept trying to take her photo. Mother nudged her away and the woman turned her attention to me. Since I didn’t know yet if we were on the list, I tried to cover up my face by pretending to kiss an old woman in front of me. Luckily, my mother found our names and we got into the charity event.